


the one where kakashi's a bad texter

by deiectus



Category: Naruto
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Texting, dumb, except there's still a sharingan? whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 11:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2148648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deiectus/pseuds/deiectus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>you’re hopeless</em>, Kabuto typed and, with a sigh, hit ‘send.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	the one where kakashi's a bad texter

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a lot of shitty kakakabu fic last summer. here's one of the ones I never finished, but makes me laugh when I think about it. it came out of a conversation with [Sephielya_J_Maxwell](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sephielya_J_Maxwell), and my own need for kabuto to be a dweeb that's only long suffering about simple things like silly boyfriends, not the guilt of matricide and the antics of his mad scientist boss.
> 
> also, I have so many other projects I need to get started on right now that if I do return to this, it probably won't be for a very long time.
> 
> final also: I don't know anything about bullet wounds or being a doctor or working in hospitals or doing residencies so apologies for the most likely incorrect stuff here.

_Finally._ The insistent beeping of Kabuto’s pager had calmed down. He was on break. Granted, it was a break beginning at 11 p.m. in the evening, but a break was a break, and his residency didn’t understand ‘normal’ living hours. He’d often emerged blinking into the 6 a.m. sun from a twenty-four hour plus shift; he was used to the strange hours and little sleep.

And he valued his breaks.

He did not value his boyfriend texting him stupid things such as _come here often?_ and also did not value Kakashi’s atrocious grasp of the English language when it came to texting. Often he’d just get _hey bby_ or _wat’s up_ or the even worse _I can’t wait 2 c u._ It’s _wat r u wearin_ tonight.

 _my medical scrubs, what else?_ he types back, annoyed.

 _i’m going 2 pretend u said nothing,_  Kakashi sends within a minute.

 _hold on,_ Kabuto writes back, _getting dinner_

After he’s grabbed some food and found a quiet corner of the 24-hour cafeteria, Kabuto takes out his phone again and rolls his eyes when he checks his texts. _let’s try this again_ , Kakashi had typed, _a/s/l?_

Kabuto scowled. _24, no, hospital_ , he sent.

His phone dinged not too long after. _:( ur so cruel_

 _you’re hopeless_ , Kabuto typed and, with a sigh, hit ‘send.’

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kabuto is out at Kroger grabbing groceries at midnight when his phone beeps. Thinking it’s his pager, he swears: “oh, for the fucking love of--” but it’s only Kakashi.

_I’m naked_

“Oh my god,” Kabuto hisses, “seriously?”

 _good for you_ he sends back.

After he’s loaded the bags into the car and is about to put the key in the ignition, Kabuto pauses and picks up his phone. Kakashi hadn’t texted back yet. For a moment, jealousy sparked white hot inside Kabuto, wondering if Kakashi had gotten tired and sent that text to someone else. Before he can finish his thoughts detailing the many ways to kill with a scalpel, Kabuto hears a beep from his phone.

_I just wish u were here_

...oh. Kabuto swallows.

 _be home soon_ he sends back. He did not feel tempted to add an ‘ <3’ at the end of that message, no, not at all.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He’s spitting blood out of his mouth (not his own, a patient’s) in the bathroom when his phone buzzes in his pocket. Kabuto strips out of his gloves and throws them in the trashcan irresponsibly and finishes washing out his mouth before he checks his phone.

_do I make u hot bby_

“Jesus christ,” Kabuto says.

 _my body temperature is currently 98.6 degrees fahrenheit_ he sends, viciously hitting each key with perhaps more force than needed.

_ur no fun :(_

_you’re an asshole, stop texting me this shit_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kakashi is licking into Kabuto’s mouth and it’s _perfect_ , his tongue slick and hot against Kabuto’s own--and Kabuto’s pager goes off.

Kabuto pulls his head to the side and Kakashi just continues, mouthing and licking at Kabuto’s cheek and ear. Kabuto shivers and stretches out his arm, reaching as best he can for the pager on his bedside table.

“Not tonight,” Kakashi whispers, his breath hot on Kabuto’s damp skin. Kabuto shivers again and reaches. He’s so close, his fingertips are touching it--

And Kakashi grabs his reaching arm and bends it back. “Augh, _fuck_ you!” Kabuto growls, and elbows Kakashi in the chest with his other arm. He struggles, twisting around until he’s lying on his stomach and can read his pager.

 _You’re off tonight._ it reads

“Oh,” Kabuto says, tone dull and face blank, “I don’t have to go in tonight.”

Kakashi is groaning, rubbing at his stomach. “Damn it, Kabuto..”

Kabuto turns back, frowning. “Sorry,” he says, and sits up, beckoning Kakashi to come closer so he can look at his stomach. Kakashi is also frowning but comes willingly, scooting across the bed. “It’ll bruise,” Kabuto declares, “but I didn’t hit you that hard, so you’ll be fine.”

“Kiss it better,” Kakashi says, sounding pitiful and fighting a smile.

Kabuto rolls his eyes but smiles and leans forward and kisses Kakashi’s stomach. Above him, Kakashi smirks, and pushes Kabuto’s head down in front of his crotch. “Ugh, you’re the worst,” Kabuto sighs. “Your pants aren’t even open. And no, I’m not unzipping them with my teeth.”

Kakashi sighs. “You’re so boring.”

Kabuto sits up, Kakashi’s hand falling off his head easily. “And you think you’re so much cooler than you really are,” he snaps, the first lame insult he can think of, and then exhales. God, he’s so tired, and tonight was supposed to be nice... Kakashi had made dinner, they’d started a movie, cuddling and whatnot, all that cute shit couples do, and now they were supposed to be having sex, not bitching at each other.

He bites the inside of his lower lip and looks up at Kakashi through his lashes--he’s not stupid, he knows what this look does (and Kakashi’s pupils _do_ dilate accordingly). “I’m sorry,” Kabuto says quietly. “I didn’t mean to fuck tonight up.”

“It’s--it’s okay,” Kakashi says, clearly distracted.

“Why don’t we get back to it?” Kabuto purrs, moving closer and sliding a hand up Kakashi’s chest to his shoulder.

Kakashi leans in, their lips brushing. “Yes, why don’t we,” he murmurs, and then kisses Kabuto. _Score_ , Kabuto thinks, _got him_.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kakashi used to be a cop, but after seeing too many of his buddies killed and receiving too many injuries himself (he limps occasionally from an old wound in his hip) he’d retired and started up a dual yoga and weight-lifting studio.

Kabuto had actually met Kakashi during one of his first nights as resident at the hospital. He’d heard  that there was an injured cop coming in and ran to the ER, elated that he’d been assigned to help. Of course, he was still a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed twenty year old at that time, and while blood and guts didn’t scare him, he didn’t have too much experience with them. His reputation preceded him and opened doors that were closed to most others.

The cop had been shot in the hip, the bullet miraculously missing bone but still tearing through muscle. He was groaning on the cot, a hand pressed to his eyes. Kabuto broke through the crowd to help push the cot, shoving someone out of the way so he could get his hands on the railing.

While he was walking, a hand closed around his wrist.

“Hey.”

The cop was speaking, his voice strained. Surprised, Kabuto looked down to see the cop looking up at him--and surprised further that one of his eyes was a _sharingan_. The Uchiha tribe had been wiped out years ago, why did this guy have a sharingan?

“H-hey,” Kabuto said, eyes flicking between looking ahead and down at the cop. What did people say in these situations? He’d never had the best bedside manner. “You’re going to be fine, we’re getting you to the operating room now.”

“Thanks,” the cop rasped, and his hand slipped from Kabuto’s wrist. “You’re...” his voice was slurred with pain, “pretty cute.”

 _Of all the things to hear..._ Kabuto blinked and almost stopped walking, he was so blindsided by the comment. “Thanks,” he said. They were just at the operating room now. Kabuto would probably just be handing the doctor his tools, if he did anything besides watch, and then _if_ he made it into the room (but he needed the experience).

“Hey,” the cop said again, “if I survive this, will you go on a date with me?”

Kabuto swallowed, silent until a female nurse elbowed him in the side. He looked at her and she nodded insistently, mouthing “he’s hot.”

“Okay,” Kabuto said, “good luck.”

The cop grinned, blood in his teeth, and disappeared behind the doors.

  
  
  
  
  
  


A few weeks later, Kabuto received a text.

 _hi_ it said. _remember me? bleeding, bullet in hip._

Kabuto blinked. It was two in the morning and he was just about to head into surgery. Who...?

It took him a few minutes to remember the cop that had been shot in the hip--the one who had asked him out. “Oh my god,” he said to no one.

 

 

 

 

After surgery, he pulled his phone out again to see three more texts.

_ur probably busy_

_and probably still cute_

_remember ur promise?_

Kabuto smiled despite himself. He typed back _Hi. Yes. How did you get my number?_

_ashley_

Ah yes, the female nurse. Wait, how did Ashley know his number?

 _so_ came another text.

 _So?_ Kabuto sent.

_u o me a date_

_I o you-- oh. I ‘owe’ you a date._

_yes. ur smart. u figured it out._

_I’m very smart,_ Kabuto responded.

_oh bby I bet u r_

Kabuto smiled, and then a laugh, unbidden, bubbled up from his chest.

_my name’s kakashi_

_Hello Kakashi. I’m Kabuto._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kakashi had sent him an address and said to come by the first evening he was free. Kabuto actually had the day off tomorrow and thought ‘fuck it’ and texted Kakashi he’d be there that night, considering it was five in the morning now and he needed to collapse into bed for at least six hours.

He drove to the address to find an abandoned part of a strip mall--pretty big, actually--but there was a door for an apartment and he saw Kakashi in the window--or at least, who he thought was Kakashi--upstairs. Kabuto parked and walked up to the door, double-checking the address on the piece of paper he had written it down on. Knocking on the door, he waited.

It took a few minutes for a series of thumps to make it down stairs before the door was opened and the cop stood before him. _Oh yeah_ , Kabuto thought, swallowing, _Ashley was right_. The man wasn’t just hot, he was beautiful--ripped ten ways to Sunday with a lazy smile and messy white hair.

Kabuto might be blushing. Hell, he was probably blushing.

“Hi,” Kakashi said, still smiling that smile.

“Hi,” Kabuto responded.

“I can’t really take you out,” Kakashi said, gesturing to his hip, “but I can at least make you dinner. Come in.”

“Okay,” Kabuto said, still a little thrown.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Kabuto finds out that Kakashi makes a mean chicken cacciatore, and that his kisses are even better.

“Is this okay?” Kakashi asks while Kabuto’s in the process of sticking his tongue down Kakashi’s throat, come _on._ Kabuto just nods and says “uh huh” and takes Kakashi’s head in his hands, takes matters into his own hands, hell, takes all of this into his own hands because this is a pretty package that just showed up on his doorstep and he’ll be damned if he turns it down. 


End file.
